calamities of desperate bliss

An open letter to Tory Burch

2011-10-14T13:17:00.003-05:00

TB-
I do not appreciate the scrolling pictures in the weekender outfits email you sent out.

A. It makes me feel like my weekend is inferior to this girl's. She is, after all, holding a Guggenheim brochure.

B. It makes me feel like winter is something that everyone else (including you, Tory) is taking part in except me.

C. It makes me believe that the key to having a perfect weekend lies in this coat. And I briefly consider moving accounts and funding around and selling plasma and selling my car and then leaving the bank an IOU and purchasing this perfectly buckled trench.

It hurts me. It really does.

-k

week in collage 10.11.11

2011-10-11T09:08:00.002-05:00

Dolly Parton concert anyone?

Love Sam lace blouse, $275
Marc by Marc Jacobs cuffed jeans, $215
Mrkt black boots, $130
MICHAEL Michael Kors michael kors wallet, $118
H M metal bangle, £6.99
Saloni gold jewelry, $70
Monsoon flower hair accessory, £6
Juicy Couture Eau de Parfum Spray No Color 1.7 oz, $89
OPI Nail Polish - Sparrow Me The Drama OPI Health & Beauty |..., £11
Joya Coup de Foudre Limited Edition Candle, $225
Buy Apple iPad 2 MC979B/A Wi-Fi, 16GB, White online at JohnLewis.com -..., £399
The Vatican Library Collection Windows to Heaven Floral Medallion..., $28
Reese's Miniature Peanut Butter Cups 105 Cup Box: Amazon.com: Grocery..., $18

speaking.

2011-10-10T12:38:00.004-05:00

i have a hard time discovering voice here.

basically because i don't have one standard voice. and that's just how it is, friends.

stupidly insightful with sporadically sprinkled pictures of adorbs baby-folk.

that's just going to be the way it is.

sunday sonetto vol. iii

2011-10-02T20:36:00.001-05:00

Racking brains and
Misplaced thoughts.
Empty space,
Wishes and have-nots.

Miles apart
From what it seems-
Distance me
From all my dreams.

sunday sonetto vol. ii

2011-09-25T00:00:00.004-05:00

There are places in my heart;
unsearchable, hidden, and few.
Things always kept apart
from what I've shared with you.

Places of fear, filled with unrest,
realities of imperfection.
Times when I didn't pass the test-
All needing my protection.

Evidence of flaws,
frightened to reveal.
Because it might would cause
a loss of my appeal.

If I share this lifetime of weakness -
Would it add to my uniqueness?

heat index

2011-09-21T13:13:00.002-05:00

all these posts about "yay autumn!" popping up on my blogroll is making me jeal.

houston texas does not understand that concept.

humidity? yes.

leaves changing? not so much.

i don't know what it's like to enjoy being outside. sweat is my arch nemesis. (followed closely by showering). (i'm just being honest here-- why does it have to steal so much of my limited free time?)

it probably doesn't help that my low tolerance for sweating is closely related to my high penchant for complaining.

but people, checking the mail should never require a shower afterwords. it just shouldn't. (especially when showering makes you get all angry)

point being, if autumn existed then i wouldn't sweat so much. which means I could shower less. and then the complaining would greatly decrease. everybody wins!

autumn experiencing friends, what are you doing with all your shower-less freedoms?

never mind-- don't tell me.

blaine wasn't super interested in having his picture taken

then i was punched.

obviously, the heat makes everybody angry.

except maybe not abram. but he's an exception.

the creepiest show on earth

2011-09-20T12:14:00.000-05:00

how, on God's green earth did this ever make it onto television?

does this children's show not give anyone else nightmares!?!

want to know more?

(p.s. are you crazy?)

fine art fair

2011-09-19T08:51:00.005-05:00

my friend emily and i went to the first ever Houston Fine Art Fair this past weekend.

but on our way there, we saw that discovery green (H-towns own version of Central Park, take that NYC) was hosting a flea market, (!!) so we explored.

as we were leaving the market we spotted the What's Up Cupcake-mobile.

(which we couldn't resist)

emily is confused because it began raining. rain is confusing to Texans right now.

we found some protection from the rain, to eat our cupcakery.

and to take pictures.

and then we made it to the fair.
where photography was limited, but i broke some rules to snap a few shots.
(so sue me)

particularly of the piece made solely out of dollar bills, and georgey w. in his swim trunks.

em & i were both very inspired by the wall of keyboard scraps.

the fair was spectacular.

over 100 + booths from all over the world packed into the convention center

and completely set up like a museum.

like my swag bag?

make art happen.

inspirational.

really.

sunday sonetto vol. i

2011-09-18T14:30:00.000-05:00

This doorstep seems my biggest fear,
knowing soon you won't be near.
Gentle smiles, pacing stand
and that goodbye that lingers grand.

With sifting feet and cautious tone
and the inevitable made known
'Goodnight, farewell, see you soon'?
Something's here, something's abloom.

It's not your truck or house or land
but simply the hope of holding your hand
that urges, sparks, ignites my soul-
and makes you my sincerest goal.

lifesavers

2011-09-15T10:43:00.001-05:00

do you have one of those?

a friend, i mean. you know, that helps save you?

i am lucky enough to have a sweet selection of those jokers. i guess God knew i was going to be a handful (and i mean, a totally legit handful people), and provided a small abudance of them.

[and i feel a lot like this.
i get it Abram, i totally get it]

as the days pass- i wonder what i have to look forward to with the continuing rise of that pesky sun.

because you know, life just seems daunting at times.

and i feel like i'm constantly fighting the same battles, over and over (and over).

and that these battles define who i am as a person.

and i start to feel a little bit sorry for myself.

which makes me start to get a little bits depressed.

which makes me want to punch myself in the face.

which makes me feel a little bit sorry for myself.

repeat.

this is when i approch those life-savers. who give me a firm slap on the back (and sometimes face. not cool.) and it becomes obvious that God is spoon feeding them the exact words that i need to hear (and maybe sometimes He's the one that controls that slapping hand, because seriously-- I sure wouldn't blame Him)

and then His plan continues to be gloriously revealed for the 23,423,342,352,352,350 millionth time.

and I can rest in the truths that my friends helped to reveal

(and they probably begin to plot how to get rid of me)

because we all know- there will be a 23,423,342,352,352,351 millionth time.

and i will be even more thankful for them.

celebrations

2011-08-30T16:52:00.001-05:00

Raelynn's 6th birthday brownie surprise!
Sweet baby Eva.
A delightfully blurry image of Abram's most supreme tantrum.
(a focused image would have BURNED YOUR EYES.)
And a forced picture of Blaine adoring Vera.

awakening

2011-08-26T19:59:00.005-05:00

How do you know when God is speaking to you?

I ask because it typically takes me a while to hear it.

Mostly because I'm not listening.

And so in turn, He has to work to get my attention.

Isn't that terrible? Making God do MORE work? As if all the other things He's done simply out of love haven't been enough.

And these times that He shakes me into a fit of realization; they are hard.

They always have been.

And I- in turn, have to become more like Him and spend time with Him in order to hear Him, to walk with Him, to fellowship with Him.

It wastes a lot of time.

And it can be embarrassing.

That He has to wave his arms around, send me a small taste of His sheer strength in my life and then practically do the robot dance for me to give Him some of myself.

Because can you imagine- what life would be like if I were always listening? If I were always walking with Him?

This is how Blaine likes to chill sometimes and I don't blame him, it's surprisingly comfy. But this should never be a depiction of my faith.

Lord-
Even when I hide myself from you in the creases of the softest quilt you don't give up on me.
Your persistent pursuit of me endures past every hardship.
I know that if I'd only devote more of myself to you wholly, there would be no hardships.
But simply blinders guiding me to see the blessings of eternal grace.
Help me against my battles of selfishness and pride so I can get there.

How I Found My Bliss: Kels from A Lovely Life

2011-08-23T11:19:00.006-05:00

Kels is so fantastic! Here's her guest post about her personal journey of bliss.

Want to share your story? Email me.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I feel like I should be showcasing some delicious chocolates, with an opening like that. :) I wish that I could share some trick or ancient ritual that would guarantee a blissful life for each and every one of you, but sadly that just doesn't exist.

For as long as I can remember, my mom would always tell me to "choose to be happy." Of course as a child and young teenager, it was usually falling on deaf ears... especially in those moments when I wasn't getting something I wanted, so being happy just seemed impossible to me. How can I be happy when Samantha has that virtual pet and I do not??! {Remember those? Oh man, those virtual pets were just great.} Nevertheless, after years and years of hearing {or choosing not to hear} that phrase over and over again, it's finally starting to mean something to me.

One of my favorite quotes is from Charles Swindoll:
"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than success, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, gift, or skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes."

As human beings, we have a choice. Every day. A choice on how we will live our day. Understandably, some circumstances are totally and completely out of our control, but how we react to them is not. And really let's be honest, life in general is hard. Day-to-day monotony is hard. But when you think about it, what kind of life would it be to sulk and be sad about everything that is out of our control? Not a good one, in my opinion.

So how do we overcome this?

For me, I have to take it one day at a time. I'm very much the kind of person that my morning defines the rest of my day. So how do I have a good morning? Well, getting enough sleep each night is key. But for me, my faith is my foundation. I've found that if I don't spend time reading God's Word in the mornings, it just throws my whole day off. So that's what I do... wake up, do some stretches, make breakfast, spend time with Jesus, listen to music, and head off to work! Now I understand not everyone is or can be a morning person... that's why you need to sit down and figure out what is bliss to you. And then do that. Every day.

I believe that's the key to a happy, blissful life... the every day. I know I got stuck in the trap of "dreaming big", which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But if you're constantly dreaming about what will make your future happy, you will neglect your present. Focus on making today your bliss and then you can deal with tomorrow, tomorrow. :)

-kels

[just a glance at Kels and her blog over at a lovely life will have you captivated. trust me. i know from experience]

overhaul

2011-08-19T11:11:00.003-05:00

Please excuse my absence from the past few days.

I flipped my lid over the loss of my sister to higher education

i really love you midgey!

a belated birthday post

2011-08-15T10:08:00.000-05:00

[friendships take a lot of work. just like any relationship between two people, friendships require extreme amounts understanding and selfless love. i have been blessed with the opportunity to call some spectacularly terrific people my friends.]

vera and i met on our very first day of college. we sat near each other in a ridiculous math course taught by our campus' resident astronomer and lived a few floors away from each other in the same dorm.

A first she seemed so mild-mannered but then i heard her mutter under her breath something mildly inappropriate during class and i was captivated! she had me at sarcastic. what a character.

we were close friends throughout my years at school. she specifically got to know selfish kelly. ugly kelly. and hateful kelly. the three amigos.

vera was an RA in our dorm too. and she was real good at it. everyone wanted to talk to her about their problems because she was and is such a good listener. she's the best at helping people realize their importance and self-worth. i would even feel confident in saying that she has SAVED PEOPLES LIVES. seriously. i mean it took her hours just to get through room check of one hall wing. that's life-saving.

the first time i told anyone that something wasn't right with me was during one of vera's weekly nights to be on call in the dorm lobby. i don't remember the weepy words that were said, but i distinctly remember that she didn't call me crazy. that was what i needed. because to me, I was crazy. I mean cah-RAY-zee. The conversation that you really don't dream about having is the one that starts with "hey, you don't think maybe i've hurt someone and i just can't remember it do you? don't answer that. and also, i think i might be crazy."

that's a whole new kind of crazy. the scary kind.

but with her, that conversation was okay.

vera came and stayed one night at my parents house a few weeks after i moved back. i cried myself to sleep and she held my hand all night long. you probably didn't even sleep, did you Vera? and i know how much you love your sleep.

she wrote me all the time. tried to give me a little bit of normalcy back. she called often, kept track of all the progress i was making and was even lucky enough to get to take on the task of taking me out of the house- having been been giving my blessing to chaperone.

she believed in me, encouraged me, and didn't abandon me.

she passed every friendship test in existence.

she had the faith that i had yet to discover, and she shared it with me.

and after all that she was even silly enough to become my roommate. assisting me in watching nickelodeon children's shows and joining forces in a measly attempt to overthrow Bowser and his crew in Super Mario. those were some of the greatest times.

vlk,

you're probably the reason i don't have a boyfriend,

because you've left some pretty big best friend shoes to fill.

it's probably a daunting thing to ask of someone else.

but still,

thank you for doing so much of the work.

you saved me.

truly.

-kmc

[charleston] the holy city

2011-08-13T07:58:00.000-05:00

welcome to charleston, sc

fantastic site, with nearby unobstructed views of fort sumter

(did you know the fort is in the water, built on a sand bar?)

(i didn't)

(does that make me dumb?)

this is a 1250 foot pier that extends into the harbour.

the best part is that underneath those awnings are dozens of swings.

dozens.

of old, rickety wooden swings.

this was somehow snapped when the tots weren't galavanting in the fount

check out those oaks in the background

they line the entire park (and well... city)

charleston isn't 'the holy city' for nothing.

there are tons of historic churches with cemeteries gated smack in the middle of the city.

bruisey

2011-08-11T12:10:00.002-05:00

bruiser might be angry, but i'm not!

it's thursday! which is the day before friday!

(i learned my days of the week from her, did you?)

Glossy

2011-08-10T16:42:00.004-05:00

nothing much has been going on around here.

though, abram sort of discovered dr. pepper lip gloss.

and maybe he discovered that if you bring it to the right person they'll even apply it on you.

the proof is in the ~~pudding~~ picture.

kristen

2011-08-09T11:46:00.001-05:00

this is my sister.

she is very beautiful.

so is her hair.

she is leaving for college in just a few days.

i'm not happy about it.

she is my best friend.

mostly just because of the hair.

but also because i remember when she was born.

she was so tiny.

itty, itty, bitty.

now she's all grown up.

*sniff*

I WANT MY MOMMY!!

How I'll Save The World

2011-08-01T18:36:00.002-05:00

Why are quinceaneras and weddings always grouped together? I can't think of anything LESS similar. I fully believe there would be an influx in world peace if they were separated properly.

I should probably tweet about it because I heard President Obama say during last nights budgetary press conference that he's been "reading our tweets and considering our observations". Didn't know you had such a famous following did you? Yeah, me either.

loving this

2011-07-24T03:45:00.002-05:00

it's gotta be that her stockinged feet are tucked perfectly into the crook of his underknees.

the impossible cool

the end of an error

2011-05-03T11:28:00.004-05:00

sometimes I feel like my life is an afterthought. that my entire existence was a pure mess up, completely rearranged to try to make at least a little sense. it explains why every part of my life seems so piled together.

I get mad at God. I feel like He took away what should have been mine. He kept a normal college career from me, and because of it I have a hard time relating to others. I think I'll never get married because I didn't go to college (and apparently failed algebra because that mathematical equation doesn't make sense... I know).

I have a hard time creating direction in my life because I expect Him at any moment to change it to what He wants. I guess that's what happens when he's turned your whole life upside down once before.

And now I'm graduating. And its the end of the error, the mess-up I think I was brought into.

I know it isn't true. Wonderful, beautiful, magnificent things came from it all. But like a normal person, instead of focusing on those things and anticipating the goodness He has for the future, I think about what I believe He's withholding from me.

now is the time that i am supposed to come up with an awe-inspiring and thought provoking ending but I don't have one. God does though.

[abram and me at the beach recently]

telling people where to go...

2011-04-21T15:00:00.004-05:00

One of my favorite memories, began with heartbreak.
When I came home from school, to permanently stay here and begin a new journey (though that information was still privy to me) I was also in the midst of a bizarre long-distance relationship.

Anyway, when this relationship reached it's breaking point, I was spending the night with family friends- helping them out- and it was late at night. This was during the "Kelly-WILL-NOT-drive" fiasco of '08 (thanks OCD, you're a pal) so I texted my Mom and told her "it's over"

My entire family packed into the car and came to get me. We stopped at Sonic and all got drinks. We came home silently and all laid on my bed blasting Duffy's "delayed devotion" and singing at the tops of our lungs. As the tune comes to a close she sings "hear it in this song, you can gooooooo to hell".

Do I condone this language, no- not really.

But was it perfect for the moment, sung in harmony by my sweet family of 4? Yes.

And I am confident that were this to happen again, today- my family would choose the same route. Only my Dad might suggest a Black Eyed pea's song- because he's obsessed with them and in his eyes everything in life can somehow relate to will.i.am.

And so, "my mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style" - Maya Angelou

Thanks family, for helping me achieve that humorous stylin'. You guys are rockin' it.

bleh

2011-04-09T21:47:00.004-05:00

Finding this owl animal cracker has literally been the most exciting thing that's occurred since the last post.

real

2011-02-07T22:56:00.003-06:00

It's so easy to say and display how much you love Jesus when life is looking great. He's been so good to you. You check in with Him before mealtimes, thank him for the day and the food, and carry on with your life.

It's way harder to be thankful when you're broken, and suffering.

suf·fer·ing

[suhf-er-ing, suhf-ring]

verb (used with object)

to undergo, be subjected to, or endure pain, distress, injury, loss, or anything unpleasant

Broken and suffering people are the ones who have the most powerful impact on those around them. Those are the people that in their suffering become bright lights for Him.

That is why the Bible is so adamant about being grateful for suffering, because that is when we do the most good for our cause, that is when we glorify Him the most, and when we encourage others to truly see Him. "Look at what he is doing in us! He is our sustainer. We have no hope without Him".

So you see, it is true. That when you are weak, then you are strong. You are probably the strongest you've ever been.

pain

2011-02-02T21:44:00.004-06:00

Heart-shattered lives ready for love
don't for a moment escape God's notice.

Psalm 51:17

God took human form when Jesus Christ was birthed into this world. That means He experienced everything that we do firsthand.

And, He watched as His own innocent son died the cruelest of deaths.

We don’t worship a distant Father.

We worship a God who understands.

God knows pain.

He’s felt it.

And he especially knows your pain.

This & This are great (and short!) reads if you are hurting.

faith of a chair

2011-01-31T23:00:00.001-06:00

did you know that every time we sit down in a chair, we express the utmost faith in that chair?

we firmly believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that the chair will hold us.

we don't go to it and shake it. or turn it upside down and examine it with a screwdriver and a flashlight.

we just plop right down into it like we are doing that chair some kind of favor.

i have more faith in a chair than i do in my Savior. a chair proves itself to me ONE time, early on in my life, and i firmly trust that chairs, all chairs, will always support me.

i want to feel that way about Christ. i don't want to come face-to-face with a dilemma and have to examine my problem, or worry that i might need to fix something about it. i just want to approach it knowing that He has already proved Himself to be so good, time and time again.

He is much, much stronger and more faithful than a chair.

incognito

2011-01-30T20:27:00.004-06:00

i have probably spent a lot of time in my life trying to be something i'm not. trying to do things the way i think they should be done.

normally, these ways are the easier ways. you know, the ones that get you where you want to go faster. the ones that don't consist of tears, and sadness, and depression, and hurt. those are the ones we try to choose for ourselves.

as humans, we often get stuck believing that what we want must be what God wants, right? I love God, and these are the desires of my heart, so this is obviously what He wants (Psalm 37:4).

right now, i want to quit. that is the desire of my heart. and it shouldn't be. just because i'm desiring that right now, sure doesn't make it what He wants for me.

As a matter of fact, He wants the exact opposite. He wants me to fight, so that He can prove that He is the triumphant One. That I can handle this, because He is living in me.

God has promised us great things right now. Not just waiting for us in Heaven.

In Matthew, the Beatitudes tell us that 'blessed are the poor in spirit and the ones who are persecuted for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven'.

it's a present tense conjugation in the Greek text. that means we have it right now, the rest of the Beatitudes (verses 4-9) will later be achieved in their fullness, but verses 3 and 10 are right now.

So let's pray for the strength and faith that David had, He didn't doubt God's strength as he met Goliath. I don't want to miss out on this plan God has for me because my own pride and sense of pre-determined defeat get in the way. Even though it means darkness and hard times, I'm going to man-up, for I know that what lies ahead will be so much sweeter because of it.

anew

2011-01-27T00:49:00.009-06:00

Christ died for us.

i don't think about that very much, do you?

'me-- who is born again but still so much in need of being born anew' i forget that it happened.

i forget that God took earthly form, and sent a part of Himself here to this wicked place to be sacrificed. He sent 'Jesus the God-man who came to save me from prisons of fear and guilt and depression and sadness,' to be killed.

He came and died to SAVE me from those things.

those things: the sadness, the fear, the guilt... those things that i spend so much of my time pondering, He came to give us relief.

relief that we can have for free. it will cost nothing. not a penny, and certainly not even the price of your own life.

do you have this relief? or better yet, do you accept this relief? all you have to do is call on His name. because His whole purpose was for you.

will you become anew with me today? i sure hope so, everything is simply funner when someone else comes too...

[all quotes were taken from Ann Voskamp's book, which you can find here]

Thorns

2011-01-26T09:43:00.005-06:00

"Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn't get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan's angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me,
My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness.

Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

What is your thorn? What has been placed in your life, often times without relief that is there simply to draw you near to Him?

I know what mine is. And I hate it, hate it, hate it. I can't even describe to you the complete loathing I have for it. I have BEGGED to be rid of it. And it's not that He can't heal it, for we know that following a deep spirit of thanksgiving is a miracle-- but this thorn is a tool, this is how Christ is using me as His vessel.

What are you doing with your thorn? Will you become a case of Christ's strength moving in on weakness?

I fervently pray that I will.

mondays

2011-01-24T05:44:00.004-06:00

it's monday.

i hate mondays.

but more importantly, i hate hating mondays.

today, i will go to work. rhema will see me coming through the front door and stomp her feet in place with excitement. she will pitter-patter towards me and tap my legs until i pick her up. once i do, she will promptly say 'elmo? elmo? elmo?!' and i will sigh, 'great to see you too kid'.

later, she will climb on top of every piece of furniture imaginable. because she's part monkey. and she will will succeed in getting herself in situations where she's stuck. she can't get down. and then she panics. she starts to whimper. she starts to say "hi! hi! hi" hoping that someone will look at her and come help her. eventually, after she whines and cries and calls out things, she will think to call me. i will hear her saying 'Ya Ya! Ya Ya!" (which is what i am referred to as, not because i chose it, Rhema chose it for me, so i love it. otherwise I wouldn't be a fan.)

Anyway, when she calls me, I will come to her and help her.

Does that remind you of anything?

Jeremiah 29:12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you

Jeremiah 33:3 Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know

Psalm 91:15 He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him

Psalm 50:15 and call upon me in the day of trouble; I will deliver you, and you will honor me

Isaiah 65:24 Before they call I will answer; while they are still speaking I will hear

so maybe.. maybe mondays really aren't so horrible.

because He, He is quite good.

Read this book. By her.

01.03.11

2011-01-03T17:48:00.004-06:00

i spent most of today whining and complaining

[internally of course because i live alone and that would be strange]

"nothing is the way i want it to be"

do you ever say that? to make myself feel better I've decided you all answered with a

unanimous "YES!"

yet, as i was hauling groceries up the rigorous three flights of stairs, I had time to think... and let me tell you A LOT OF TIME. but I'm not complaining.

today was a perfect day.

i slept in.

watched a movie

ate chicken nuggets and macaroni

took a shower

got some groceries

climbed up the stairs... (i made it all the way up didn't i?)

and am now settling cozy with a new celeb magazine

not to mention the crossword awaiting my annihilation

in a few swift page turns.

To kelly,

please stop complaining. sometimes you're just such an idot.

Love, kelly

numbers

2010-10-29T19:19:00.004-05:00

1 toffee creme coffee
2 times the entire shopping cart of golf balls was pushed over = 2 times my sanity was pushed over
2 dog shadoobies in the laundry room
4 hours and counting of Nickelodeon
5 loads of laundry finito (!)
56 times I bent over and put the balls back into the ball pit
1 time I said to the baby as she was hugging two of the ball pit balls,
"oh, give the balls sweet love!"

0 times that will ever happen again.

P.S. no milk throwdowns today. it's a record. but i'm too exhausted to celebrate

numbers

2010-10-27T14:47:00.004-05:00

12 thousand bugs in my car

10 cars at starbucks drive-thru

27 milk throwdowns*

3 chapters read

34 million "can you say 'Miss Kelly???'" 's uttered

13 grounded** lima beans

*a time of irritation in which a toddler chunks their choice of item (typically a sippy-cupped beverage) to the ground

**grounded- another term used to describe something that has survived a throwdown

POST-EDIT- P.S. I would not be described as grounded, because I did not survive that throwdown. goodbye forever.

happy

2010-08-05T10:06:00.002-05:00

this is me and my sister on my birthday just last week.

did you know i had a birthday?

i did.

i'm off to go lie about my age now.

chaser.

2010-07-26T15:48:00.009-05:00

It's been a long time since we've talked about the ole' ball and chain.
Also known as ocd.
I don't like to capitalize the acronym because I think it gives too much power to something already pretty mighty.
I do think we should give power to things like COOKIES. or CAKE. or MAGAZINES.

Who's with me?

I've got this theory. That ocd is a mood chaser.
Whenever it senses that things are going good, it rubs its little hands together and grins that creepy little grin and you can see the wheel start a churnin' in his head.

I always imagine this little bratty blob romping around my third floor apartment and grabbing all the things of significance in my life and tossing them out the window. First the television, with images of traveling the globe. Then my scrapbooks filled with photos of all the wee babes and families that I love. And then the books. Oh those meticulously color organized books filling up the study from floor to ceiling. All the while I just lay there on the couch pleading with blobby to please just put it down! Not that one! It's so special to me. I NEED it! But alas, to no avail. He just tosses it like a cotton ball and leans down into the window until he hears that earsplitting crash, which he masks with his little evil laugh.

I'm sure there's a technical term for this devolution of happy times, some term therapists whip out like its just your ordinary average phrase. Not a term for that weird blobby rant I just went off on. Though, I'm sure there's an equally enlightening term for that. Like "crazy" or "frightening" or possibly even "medication".

I found out through twitter that Pete Wilson: blogger over at WithoutWax, Pastor of Cross Point Church in Nashville, and author of recently published "Plan B" would be speaking here in my own stomping grounds.

And I knew that it was pertinent that I go hear him. Mostly, to soak in all the glory goodness I knew he was going to spew out.

But also to see that hair in person.

And maybe to touch that hair and report back to you the stiffness to softness ratio. Or maybe that's just insane.

Anyway, it was phenomenal. He spoke these words:

"God is most powerfully present even when he seems apparently absent"

and that in these times we should place our faith in his identity, and not his activity.

So next time Mr. Blobby is going all ape in my apartment. I think I'm just going to stuff two pillows on both sides of my head, start screaming la-la-la-la with my eyes closed and know that its God's identity which will prevail, much longer than Mr. Blobby. He'll run out of steam far before God's identity.

*** and his hair feels.... well... I'll just leave that to your imagination.

ode to you

2010-06-24T10:09:00.004-05:00

dear most unflattering dress in the universe,

our time together is over.

i've never been happier.

actually now you are in a messy ball on the floor of my closet and every time I walk in there I step all over you. And that makes me the happiest.

goodbye forever,

kelly

michael "zoey" phelps

2010-06-14T13:59:00.001-05:00

Zoey spent the day with me on Wednesday and had a blast, especially with all my sisters golf medals.

she is so special to me.

i love you, woooey.

and ashley, you too!

presents

2010-06-13T17:26:00.003-05:00

everytime someone close to me gets married, i buy myself a huge present and pretend someone gave it to me at my shower.

Hello, new bedding!

things i'm a sucker for...

2010-06-06T22:03:00.003-05:00

anything under a glass domed cake stand

people who look you in the eye when they smile

cosmetic superstores

people who let drivers get in front of them in traffic

someone who makes a mean cup of coffee

biblical references

little kids in adult sized clothing

my buddy

2010-05-31T07:28:00.002-05:00

there's a dead bug just a few feet away from me, that i killed several days ago.

let's just call him Lazarus because ever since then he's shown up in various places throughout the house, belly up.

but he's so huge that I can't bear the thought of having to touch him to throw him out.

so i guess for now, we're together.

** dear PETA, please don't freak**

below sea level

2010-05-27T16:44:00.004-05:00

there was this one time a few years ago that i was very much infatuated with a boy.

so in love that at one point, when he was sitting in front of me and he left his coat on his chair...

i leaned over and smelled it.

it was a nice long whiff.

and now thinking back, this has got to be my lowest point.

i'm really glad to get this off my chest.

disgruntled

2010-04-29T16:58:00.002-05:00

starbucks boy said yes.

yes, he would be my date for the event. and he would be so happy about it.

(or at least that's the insinuation that i concluded)

then he texted me and said that he couldn't make it.

three hours before he was coming to pick me up.

i've never felt more embarrassed in all my life.

the embarrassment actually killed me.

please visit my gravesite.

hyacinths are my favorite. i mean, they were my favorite.

toilets

2010-04-12T16:55:00.002-05:00

i walked outside to get my mail.

my 70-something-year-old neighbor flagged me down, asking me questions and pretending she couldn't hear me so that I would have to walk across the street and talk to her.

[i promise, she does this. it's fake, i know it. I know she can hear me, i've caught her]

this time, after she went through the same 4 stories she always tells me, she also told me about how her ex-husband, whom she lives with and her ex-sister-in-law, who also lives with her (and yes, she refers to her as "my ex-sister-in-law") were laughing around the breakfast table because Miss Audrey fell off her toilet this morning.

She was wearing a bathing suit trying to go to the bathroom. As girls, you know how difficult this can be, and then she sat down on the toilet, and you know how slippery those silky suits are, and she just fell off.

While trying to fix her hair, because she has a mirror directly facing her toilet, just for that reason. And she brought the mirror crashing down with her.

So there she laid, on the floor, in a bathing suit, her hair awry, shards of mirror glass all around her, her dogs rushing to her side- licking her face trying to help, all to call out to her ex-husband of several decades to come pick her up off the ground.

And I thought I had a bad day?

{Also, Miss Audrey and I reached a new level of friendship with this descriptive story. I don't know how to feel about it]

questions

2010-04-06T17:26:00.003-05:00

today in the car, one of the kids asked me what a soul is.

i really don't know how to answer that.

luckily, before i could answer, she found a goldfish in her booster seat and instead cracked up that a goldfish was in her seat.

i however ceased the find the humor in this, since her belief that a booster seat also serves the purpose of disposable trash can really brings out my gag reflex.

after she yelled at me at least 4 times to turn around and look at this great treasure of a cracker that was found she then sighed and said "Miss Kelly, what's a rib?".

the questions.

they never stop.

charity

2010-04-05T18:43:00.002-05:00

I asked my barista to be my date for a charity function that I was invited to. And I'm not quite sure, but I think that I was denied. By a barista. Awesome.

Who's the charity case now?

[i use the term "my barista" very lightly]

dancing

2010-03-08T18:18:00.004-06:00

today i was at a doctor's office with the boys.

the woman who works behind the front desk came into the waiting room and started doing the chicken dance.

after it was done, there was complete silence.

until someone said, "do it again!"

WHY?!?!?!?!

catnapper restored!

2010-01-26T04:46:00.003-06:00

Here's the real picture of the soul-warming catnapper.

I guess that's what I get for blogging on the job.

a new chair

2010-01-25T15:53:00.003-06:00

a conversation i just had with the seven year old.

me: when you're talking with your dad on the phone be sure to talk slow and clearly.

him: "yersrh yei no yei no no"

which i think translates to "yes, i know i know." but i'm not sure.

one day i'll learn that telling him that is completely pointless.

also i just bought this recliner for my living room, and i've never been more excited. plus its called a 'catnapper' and that made me so happy i practically skipped out of the store.

hey there Rodrigo

2010-01-14T17:05:00.003-06:00

you know who that is?

probably not.

but that's okay. because i'll tell you.

it's Van Morrison, voice of the ever popular "Brown-Eyed Girl".

this song tends to hold a tender place in many female chocolate coloured iris' hearts.

but for me not, so much.

maybe because i've got oceans for eyes, or maybe its just because i always thought brown eyes were everywhere. so what was special about them? dominant traits are hardly ever dreamed about.

but also, because i could never figure out why the first line was talking about some chap named Rodrigo.

I figured it out now.

And I think i might like the song now.

Now I need to go figure out why the your baby can read infomercial keeps coming on the television. and better yet, why i want to order it every time.

i don't even have a baby.

sunday movies[revealed]

2010-01-12T16:27:00.009-06:00

I grabbed my cute friend Kelsey

and we booked it downtown for a Sunday night evening showing of "An Education"

*FYI no one goes to the movies on Sunday's, did you know that? I didn't know that.

When we approached the window to buy our tickets, we were interestingly informed that the theatre we were placed in did not have a working heater, and that the temperature of the room was a squelching 40 degrees.

I figured out why no one goes to the movies on Sunday's.

red cups[revealed]

2009-11-29T00:11:00.001-06:00

they just make everything better.

brothers[revealed]

2009-11-23T21:00:00.004-06:00

these brothers snuggle in the mornings

even though it ends with punching each other in the face,

its sweet for a moment.

computer time[revealed]

2009-11-19T12:47:00.011-06:00

step into my world

but take note of these two

we love privacy

--being a nanny is priceless--

disobedience[revealed]

2009-09-21T15:56:00.007-05:00

dear nanny-child,

saying you're sorry

after you did something

that you knew was wrong,

sometimes just doesn't cut it.

instead of getting punished, you

get praised for saying "i am sorry".

this is not how the real world works,

you do not get to say you are sorry after

you do something wrong on purpose and then

benefit from it. i am justifying this though

because you are getting a lesson in grace, love,

& second chances & because your face is so sweet.

----------------------------------------truly, NK

gasoline[revealed]

2009-09-18T18:00:00.003-05:00

Because eventful things don't actually happen to me everyday, I frequently like to reminisce about my once thrilling life via blogging.

For example.

One time, I was pumping gas into my car.

And while I was just standing there, probably thinking about how many germs I was touching.

And wondering how long it takes to get high off of gas fumes,

A random man whistled at me.

The whistling wasn't the good part though.

The good part was that he was a totally normal looking man, and not a foreign yard-worker,

and that after he did it he threw his hand up over his mouth and looked mortified.

Then he looked back at me and said "I'm so sorry. I know that was terrible, but I couldn't help it, you look really nice".

And that my friends, was the greatest gas pump ever.

parachute[revealed]

2009-09-16T15:00:00.000-05:00

If you don't know who they are, you need to know. Go see and thank me later.

PARACHUTE

place: House of Blues

time: 9 pm

date: 09/09/09

blind dates [revealed]

2009-09-15T17:27:00.005-05:00

One time I went on a blind date. And we met at a coffee shop.

I arrived first.

An older gentleman approached me and started frantically waving.

He said it was so nice to finally meet me.

Needless to say, he was not actually my date.

interviewing [revealed]

2009-06-08T16:45:00.004-05:00

As much as I love my nanny positions, its come to the time when they all come to a close. I'm looking forward to a much needed break for self-discovery and dips in the pool, but there aren't even words to describe how my life will change without these kids infiltrating it everyday.

I think its really hard for people to understand life from a nanny perspective, its not a maternal bond, but its stronger than an Aunt or Uncle. Honestly, I think the person its most similar to is a Grandma. I know that sounds bizarre, but I've done a lot of thinking. And I think that's what I relate to best. Which explains why my entire blog is devoted to my kids, its like my stylish alternative to carrying around a tote with their photographs all over it. (oh glory, please don't ever do that Kelly).

I've interviewed with several other families, and its about time that I start making my decision. My problem is that I have a heart for all these families, I want to help them all. I know God will lead me to the right choice.

This is what I'll be missing though:

summertime [revealed]

2009-05-18T18:00:00.003-05:00

Happy Summer!

With Love From Nanny Kelly and Zoey

sickling [revealed]

2009-05-18T09:42:00.002-05:00

freckles[revealed]

2009-05-17T20:39:00.006-05:00

Freckle Twins.

One time I saw an episode of the Brady Bunch where Jan tries to rub away her freckles with some concoction. I thought she was so silly for doing that until I was 15. Then I wanted flawless freckle free skin too. Now I'm just embracing it. I hope Aubrey does too! Here's to enjoying freckles at age 9 and 21!

embarrassment[revealed]

2009-04-22T22:17:00.004-05:00

I don't like for people to know that I've never had a boyfriend. Why?

Well, because that's embarrassing.

And frankly, I really am tired of having to say it.

And lets not even get started on the subject of my virgin lips.

No thanks.

I have a serious aversion to discussing both said topics.

Because everyone says:
"That's so great for you! You should embrace it and be thankful!"

You know what these people have in common?

Boyfriends and kisses.

spring break[revealed]

2009-03-23T23:42:00.010-05:00

my spring break, in pictures.
because honestly, who likes reading long paragraphs circling around the theme of nothing anyway? :)

Look at those neck rolls.

sweet girl

a great nanny takes pictures even in the bad moments, because they're funny later.

redefines safety

i saw them. they dance like girls.

that one random day it was cold, we decided matching was unimportant

rain please go away, you're giving us Seasonal Affective Disorder

my Dad and I like the Rockets

this guy doesn't, so he got cake smashed on him.

just how many people does it take to clean up this mess? And why did it have to happen 3 seats away from me?

i saw my sweet girl there

there's those sweet sisters again

Abbey's 5th birthday!

i cannot get enough of her

somebody is trying not to smile.

i don't really know why she looks so helpless, but it makes me love her more.

sweet birthday girl

gimme some of that, now.

sticky hands

sweet blaine, you know, H-$'s cutie pie son.

Logan-berry, we got to spend time together while the parents went out.

and we got some snuggle time in too

Aubrey and Blaine and I thought this was funny. toilet paper stuck to the nutcracker. ha.

i couldn't help but snap a picture of Blaine in this weird hat, while sharing a seat with his Momma.

And, I ended the break with a shocking surprise. I already knew that I was going to see Taylor Swift at the Rodeo, but I had no idea that her disposition was anything like this:

it makes me want to hug her and tell her all my secrets. i lost track of how many times she looked into the crowd and mouthed "oh my god' and "wow". there were 73,000 people there though. you've gotta love the self-preserving, kind-hearted, realists. the ones who are superstars but still blown away that people know their music?- because honestly, those are my absolute favorite kinds.

annoyance[revealed]

2009-03-22T00:41:00.003-05:00

I have a secret to tell.

You know how people have random quirks about them that they think make them unique but really just make them annoying? I have one of those.

It's called, the extra syllable.

As seen here:

I add this extra "UH" to every word. Most popularly "no-UH" and "stop-UH" although those are just two examples of the plethora.

I don't know when this started. And I don't know how. I just know that its here to stay.

And I just don't know how to STOP-UH

sweet sisters[revealed]

2009-03-11T21:25:00.005-05:00

Meet Abbey and Raelynn.

They are sweet sisters.
At just a year apart, they're pretty much joined at the hip.

They talk for each other, giggle all the time, and make me feel so lucky to know them.

Their Mommy is my friend Dawn, who is my other friend, Heather's selected surrogate (AKA Mommy Extraordinaire).

Occasionally, I get to spend time with these sisters. Time with them is some of my most treasured moments. They call me Miss Kelly, and that makes me giggle.

Looking down into the pond is one of their favorite things to do, they beg for these kind of excursions.
We love going on adventures together.

Not too long ago, Abbey, Raelynn and I packed up in the car, buckled in the car-seats, and booked it to the park.
In the rain, while wearing leotards.

Totally normal.

While we were trooping around the park, in the rain, in their leotards, carrying loads of towels with us to wipe off the wet play equipment, I snapped some shots of these sweet sisters.

This is Abbey. She's older, and quieter. But she's just got something about her, some special kind of sophisticated beauty for being only 4 years old.

This is Raelynn. She's littler, but stronger. She speaks for both of them. She's got the power, but she'll share it with you. Maybe :)

They hardly fight, they want to be together.

Isn't it obvious?

zoey 101[revealed]

2009-03-10T08:14:00.008-05:00

Isn't it sickening how cute she looks even when she's eating? I could not say the same for myself. It's just not a pretty sight people.

Chillin' watching Noggin's Baby Channel. And yeah, maybe I watch this even when Zoey's taking a nap. Don't hate.

Apparently she likes to do this now? She BARELY fits in there, she literally squeezed herself in there. How many more adverbs could I have used here?

Ok, so maybe stuffing an entire nilla wafer isn't quite as attractive as the earlier picture, but she has ice cream trucks on her shirt. You heard me.

The look of mischief. However, she was really completely oblivious to the water she spilled everywhere and chose to focus on figuring out how to stuff an entire votive candle in her mouth. She's got her priorities. And notice she's in her random new favorite place? Weird.

REVEALED: smooches

2009-02-27T23:26:00.011-06:00

I hate it when people apologize for not blogging, because I feel like the blogee is acting like everyone could hardly go on with life while they weren't blogging. So i'm not even gonna try. Instead, I will thank you for going on with your normal sane lives, while I lost my mind. For the 342352352049834 time.

But, I mean... just look at this...

Can you blame me?

Its hard to find time or things to blog about when you're looking at small little people like that and being amazed at them when they learn to do things like this:

I know I know, I just want to die every time she kisses. Really. I'm so filled with joy that I want to keel over knowing my last moments were spent with that much happiness.

So those sorts of moments, combined with my 24/7 obsession with listening and or watching High School Musical 3 [thanks to Disney for including a 'digital copy' in the extended edition packaging, because with the touch of a screen I can watch the entire feature film on my iTouch. And folks, yes that's the real reason I've been MIA, to more things than just the blog world].
EDIT: my employers do not thank Disney.

My younger sister even got in my car tonight and asked [begged... actually pleaded] to not have to listen to the HSM 3 soundtrack.

But don't worry, while she and I were walking through the mall together I most definitely wasn't singing, or even heaven forbid humming High School Musical in order to not embarrass her in any way. If I wanted to do that, I would have just danced in public. And I definitely didn't do that. I'd NEVER full blown out dance AND sing while imitating Zac Efron in the middle of a bustling mall JUST to prove my eccentricity. And my sister totally IS NOT the kind of sister who would respond with walking away and saying "people really wonder why you don't have a boyfriend? Obviously, they just don't get it"

REVEALED: My Valentine's Day Love Affair

2009-02-14T16:56:00.012-06:00

Only one time in my entire existence have I ever recieved flowers from a male specimen. Ever.

And let me tell you it was equal parts enjoyable and completely mortifying.

There's just something about opening up your door to an uneasy boy grasping a bunch of flowery, prickley, bunch of dead things while looking around and praying that none of his buddies witnessed the journey from his car to my door that strikes an embarassing cord within.

Now if it would have been a bouquet of books, maybe the saga between me and this mystery man would have been a for sure forever. But alas, it was flowers. And our relationship lasted about 2 minutes after that.

Because now, I have a love affair with literature. It completes me.

I have this serious problem with 'browsing' in the books and magazine section in Target/Walmart and then walking into the parking lot with an armfull of bookage. I'm thinking about bringing it up at therapy on Wednesday.

I really love when this happens because I normally walk out with some ferocious books. I usually don't grab books that I've heard of, as to feel like I am finding some kind of diamond in the rough. Though obviously not because if this book is sitting in the limited selection book section at a Walmart Supercenter, its probably been discovered by millions of others. No raining on my parade please.

Here are some books that are filling up my Valentine's night, and I'm partially through with all of them (because I have another problem of rarely finishing books, shall be discussed another time)...

[please note that each title is a quick and easy hyperlink to amazon to purchase the book or read more about it. you're welcome folks].

What My Girlfriend Doesn't Know
Sonya Sones

I'm a blatant teen lit reader ( and I like to blame the librarian within me) so this book quickly grabbed me. Obviously the rest of greater America cannot judge me for this being because of their pretty serious love affair with Twilight.

The whole book is written in poetry form, and though this would normally irritate me to know end, just like those books written with no punctuation, train of thought (seriously people? Let's inflate the high percentage of grammatical errors and illiteracy of the population) BUT these poems crack me up. And they flow really well, the sentences are even continued from the end of one poem to the title of the next. I love me some witty authors.

This is the passage that captured / devoured my heart and soul (AKA made me laugh out loud in the middle of Walmart)

And I'll Never Forget Those Kisses, Either

Because

Making Out With Sophie

Was a very big deal for me.

See,

I'm not exactly what you'd call

the most experience guy in the world.

Okay.

So I'm the least experienced guy

in the world.

Okay.

So Sophie was the first girl

I ever laid lips on.

But it was definitely

worth waiting

fourteen years for.

He's Just Not That Into You
Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo

Okay, so maybe I'm joining the bandwagon for this one two years too late- but I don't think that really matters, because the point is, this book captivates. The authors were both writers for Sex and the City, so if you can look past the occasional crudely consructed sentences, then you are in for serious belly laugh. I've read my fair share of relational advice books, and rarely, actually, NEVER do they have anything to offer. But this one pons. ( that's how middle school boys show the intense own-age something can have).

Each chapter resonates on one reason that he is obviously just not into you, be it he doesn't call you, he disappears, etc. And its pretty eye opening. I spend a lot of time coming up with crazy excuses for any male I ever even begin to like about why they aren't obviously liking me. We're talking fairly insane reasons, and this book has destroyed everyone of them. Tough love, but I like it that way.

Reconstructing Natalie
Laura Jensen Walker

Who doesn't love Christian Chick-Lit with a purpose? Now I feel sorry for myself for being single, but how about a single girl who just got diagnosed with breast cancer? Recipe for disaster. Part of me wants to read this as a 'now stop sulking because there are much worse things' venture, and the other part of me read the word 'sarcastic' in the description and lurched onto that in 2 seconds flat.

So, if you're out there in cyberspace hoping for a man who will never let you down (other than Jesus Christ) just whip out a book and look out! ;)

EDIT: in case you're wondering, yes, I wish that I would have seen the display of affection shown through roses as a romantically affectionate gesture, because I kick myself everytime I think about it. Shame on me for not knowing how good it is until its gone. C'ste la vie.

Today's News...

2009-02-12T11:55:00.001-06:00

for the next few months I will be preparing to move into a house with my best friend Vera.

Boo-Ya life :P

I'm an idiot

2009-02-11T22:13:00.001-06:00

This post consists of multiple reasons that my brain is slowly deteriorating, and its only moments until i utterly lose all capability to function normally in day to day life. for those of you crossing your fingers that this happens for sheer comedic relief, i'm watching you.

INCIDENT 1: occurred while I was meeting a new couple that I was tag-team babysitting for with a friend. The mom had made these ridiculously delicious oatmeal chocolate chip cookies (oatmeal haterz step off) and was explaining to us that whenever she has a babysitter over she feels that it is important to also have something homemade waiting for them. To which i retorted, "the kids don't count?"Nice first impression.

INCIDENT 2: happened at church whenever a girl came up to say hello to me as we were all walking to our individual sunday school class. she asked why I have been attending the young marrieds class (when I'm so obviously not) instead of the singles class with her. This time I said "because I like going with my friends". She's probably never going to talk to me again because without realizing it at the time, I pretty much told her that I think of blades of grass more often than I think of her. Awesome.

INCIDENT 3: was the result of an obviously stellar weekend of idiotry. We went to lunch after church to celebrate a little ones birthday, we= me and 30 other church members. While the waiter is coming over to take our orders he also is asking who else will be on our ticket. When he gets to me I'm completely not paying attention, shocking right? he did have a hispanic accent. So he repeats the question and asks "anyone else on your ticket?"and I say "nope. alone. all by myself. single. just me." one might think saying this is enough, so of course i trumped you and basically screamed it at him. why? i don't know why, I guess sometimes I think it helps to talk louder to people who speak English as a second language.

INCIDENT 4: these are my monday mantras because i apparently don't know the difference between monday and almost thursday. take it or leave it folks.

winks.

Monday Mantras

2009-02-02T19:27:00.004-06:00

today was RTS*

i watched the boys, and zoey, and now brock today.

i've expended all the energy i could possibly possess in one day.

i barely have enough to press down on this keyboard, so feel really priviledged.

so, to celebrate this exciting* day, i'm totally starting a new tradition.

its called monday mantra, and basically i've just decided to open up my vault of serious knowledge collected from various children of all ages, and share it with you!

- even when there is 1 minute left of rolling credits, it IS necessary to pause the television show while you are FORCED to put on pajamas. (B. age 9).
and i've been snoozing during this prime television time?

-"if you start to date a boy, and then realize when you are marrying him that he isn't cute, just say "No I do not" at the end of the wedding and run really fast away" (L. age 6)
but what about my deposits, will I get them back?

-[if asked whether you have a boyfriend and you respond with no] "well you better get one fast. Just go out and find a cute one." (compilation of advice from K. age 9 and L. age 6)
Oh okay... that's what I was doing wrong.

-[in reference to what is learned in kindergarten] "i don't know" (M. age 5).
apparently things that are not absorbed well.

-"babababab dada WAHHHH" (Z. age 9 months)
just for good measure.

Also Brock just said to me while fastforwarding through television and not losing his locked glance with it:

"well, how was your day?" [ huge sigh]

priceless. i love it that he is as sweet as an 80 year old man.

EDIT:
* RTS: Rough Tough Stuff
* exciting... except for it's opposite day.

This one time that I almost died

2009-01-28T16:19:00.002-06:00

Tuesday

DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUUUUH!!!

maybe that tune doesn't play in your head when you hear that day, unfortunately it does for me.

Every Tuesday I make myself an humble servant before the Lord, offering myself to be used as a disposable person for a handful of children less that one whole hand old (this equates to under the age of 5). The possibilities are endless as to the different variations of children I may be left to entertain, it's like whataburger, where there is 23423452390578 million different ways to have your burger made, only this time with children... figuratively speaking.

Yesterday was not really different from any other, I had my normal babes, the ones who I'm used to and have trained, or at least tried to train. And then I had one surprise child! So, 2 two-year-old boys, and Zoey.

For one, I have nothing to humor these children with. They get their kicks out of pulling electrical wires out of the wall, opening up filing cabinets and pulling things out of them, opening up 'magical' closet doors and trying to take apart the jumbled mess of what's inside, going into the 'man den' (as I like to call it) and throwing all equiptment and machinery (computer and photography related) like they are small tiny pebbles.

Not to mention the physical pain inflicted on me. My skin being clawed off by untrimmed 9 month old fingers. CD's being jammed into my head. Being pushed literally. And emotionally being pushed off of a figurative cliff, which actually was for the first time was literally represented by the route via stairwell to the downstairs.

There were also large tripods thrown small distances. And digital cameras flung past the kiddy gate located at the top of the stairs all the way down. ALL THE WAY.

This is one of those things that seems easier to handle than it really is. Sit the children down, entertain them with a video of choice, hand them their own snacks, and be done.

Oh contrare. First of all, sitting still to watch a video ain't happenin'. There are way too many distractions in this craft room converted guest bedroom converted kiddy play area, with lots of odds and ends being currently stored there. So there is now way on God's green earth that these little precious angels will deny the desire to open up every openable thing and pull things out, throw them, etc etc etc. Therefore that rules out having them watch a show. I could try to take out as much of the interfering paraphanelia as possible, however, I'd have to shut the door to the room at that point, and this is when their hidden clausterphobia comes out. Apparently its physically impossible for them to be in an enclosed room without being suddenly magnetized to the door chanting "MOOOOOOMMMMY" and trying with their fat little baby hands to open the door by pulling the knob instead of twisting it. That is, until they grow weary of this and simply begin to pound on the door with their fists. This may take place either with me also being contained in the room, or located outside the room while changing Zoey's diaper.

Then again, I could try the opposite. I could shut the door to that room and leave them to play in the Playstation 3 converted media room converted death trap of small stair case, converted 'man den'. But hopefully you can use your conductive reasoning skills to figure out that this scenario also fails with the location of so many technological equiptment, small stairs, and the kiddy gate.

The kiddy gate evokes a similar reaction for small children as a shut door. They suddenly become magnetized to it. They insert their small feet inbetween the spindles of the gate and hoist themselves to stand on top of the first bar, hanging onto the gate for dear life, as well as boosting their heads above the top of the gate as to be able to see directly down the staircase. awesome. just awesome. At this point they spot their moms, and thus begins the familiar "MOOMMMMY" chant.

I can try to distract them with food or juice. But then, only one child brings a snack and the other wants what he has. This wealthy snack-haver insists that sharing isn't the happy way and instead throws a fit. I can try to force sharing, but frankly, I wouldn't want to share my pretzels with the other brat I'm locked up with who is making my life miserable by getting us moved from room to room either.

Point in case, all of these scenarios happened yesterday. And it was enough to... well I can't think of a good explanation.... IT WAS JUST ENOUGH.

So, I put Zoey downstairs, hoping that the intrigue of her exersaucer and the women gathered talking would be enough to appease her and encourage her to silently play, without the possible dangers of having her head slammed open with a flying tripod, or her small body replacing the digital camera as the random artifact to be thrown down the stairs. Of course, Zoey did not want to comply with this idea. Either she couldn't handle being down there, or the women were giving her attention which lead to her wondering why they wanted to wave at her and talk to her, but not get her out of her exersaucer so she could preform tricks involving knocking over full cups of coffee and stealing people's writing utensils from them.

Ashley later asked me if it was that I just couldn't handle all three of them, and so that's why I chose to place Zoey downstairs. Here's the real answer, hopefully it isn't too blunt. Frankly, I care about Zoey's safety and wellbeing, so I made the decision to try to take her out of harms way. And being as how even when only two kids were up there when Zoey was down and objects were STILL continually being thrown even under my supervision, I'd say I made the right choice. There's also the dilemma that I can't really scream 'no' at the children because their mother's would hear and automatically assume I was being too harsh, even though the gash on my head from where the CD was catapulted may be gushing blood.

DISCLAIMER: if you happen to be one of the fantastic women who attend this Bible Study, please do not feel alarmed nor have pity on me. Just keep worshipping our Lord, and maybe insert me permanently on the prayer list. I want to serve you in this way and provide a time for you to come together, I'd just like to do it with all body part intact, this may or may not include sanity. Deal?

Anyone have any suggestions? Any legal suggestions?

Bow-Chica-Wow-Wow

2009-01-26T20:33:00.013-06:00

Just a handful of days ago, my sweet friend Jacy and I

From saying so long OCD, one day at a time

went to a conference hosted by Proverbs 31 ministries. And it was quite an experience. We really didn't know any of the people that were about to enter into our lives, EXCEPT for this precious chick right here:

Kate. SuperMom.

Anyway, she was great. It was so cool to see her in real life. Isn't it weird how such seemingly ordinary people become rockstars in our minds?

On the other hand though, can't you understand why this punk would become a rockstar in your mind?

I'm sorry. I had to video it. And all those parts where the camera is shaking?

That's me laughing.

Oops.

I just can't take this song seriously anymore.

And homeboy (Josh-Groban-wanna-be) was cracking me up with his seriousness.

However, Aeyisha Woods rocks the house, she was the other musical guest and is now my idol.

And, another occurrence on the fun radar from this past week was my two friends birthday bash, 80's style.

Mariela and Heather (who from now on

will be affectionately called H-$)

both celebrated their respectively old birthdays this past weekend.

And it was like, totally off the chain.

As you can see, my mouth couldn't even contain all the excitement that this night provoked.

I busted out the infamous Ashley-opened-mouth-party-pose.

(as seen here:)

Here's a shot of most of the group-

As well as a photo of the 40 year old.

And oh look! Here's a captured moment of me being completely ridiculous. Notice H-$'s extreme awe at the intense awesomeness of my current dance move.

All in all it was a completely rock star weekend. And I was sad to see it end. But luckily... there's a little somethin' I like to call "complete annihilation of the Cardinals" happening this weekend. Score. Good thing H-$'s havin' a P-A-R-T-Y so everyone can witness my serious devotion to this game.

A Day in the Life.

2009-01-23T10:11:00.004-06:00

i thought it would be fun to show you a VERY small little smidge of what my day is like.

AKA a dream come true.

the news of the day is:

I signed up for Private Pilates Class.

For many reasons:

1. I will never do anything athletic until I have someone seriously kicking my butt to do it.

2. Because it's been proven to be addictive, and that would actually be nice.

3. Because I'll feel like a famous movie star.

So, did I already have to go invest in the cutest yoga-esque clothing I could find?

OF COURSE.

But whenever I get ready you know, I'll have to look disheveled and messy like all the stars do. Like I just threw something together and then tied a scarf 'round my neck and threw some shades on. Apparently it takes a lot of work to look this inconsistent.

I'm working on my next post: let's just say it consists of a little lady you might be familiar with.

The Scariest Thing

2009-01-19T20:21:00.001-06:00

The last time I ever ran a fever was when I was 12 years old. I was at a summer camp with my church, and I woke up that morning, knowing I was sick. Now, most normal twelve year olds would just suck it up and go have fun and play at the beach right? Apparently, not me. I was bedridden the entire day. I don’t even know how we knew I had a fever, but it was a blazing one. I don’t think we had a thermometer until later, but whatever.

As I slept the day away, I was hardly aware of everything going on. The six other girls sharing our room came in and out, changing clothes, throwing their bags down, showering, etc. And I just laid there in my own private infirmary.

Counselors took turns watching me. I remember awaking one time to one just sitting there with her feet up reading a magazine. I tried to force out a smile at her, to thank her, but it probably looked more like, ‘I’m about to pass out and throw up’.

Finally, someone suggested taking me to the clinic there. Genius idea right? Well our leader decided that was not necessary. Me being you know, twelve, didn’t argue. I just laid there doing nothing. But inside I was begging for a doctor. I was miserable, 8 hours from my Mom, and had no one to take real care of me. Basically they all told me to just suck it up after that first day.

We went to the cafeteria the next morning, and I could hardly walk, I kept blacking out, and I was unaware of everything. I couldn’t really hear people talking because my ears were just full of sickness.

I tried to tell the person in charge of our cabin that I really didn’t think I could participate in the activities, and she told me I had to.

You know why I remember this so vividly? Its not because the pain was so bad. Or because I was so scared. Or upset that I was missing out on so much. It was because no one ever listened to me.

They wouldn’t take me to the doctor. They wouldn’t let me rest. They were forcing me to do things, when I felt miserable. And there was no way for me to convey to them what was happening.

That night we had a worship service and the whole time I was sitting there I was pretty much certain it was my last day of life. At the invitation, I even went up and prayed with someone there about me being sick. I’m not typically the type to take up to the altar unless something is heavy on my heart, but I went up there to pray about me feeling sick. It’s sort of like praying for your cat. It seems silly to everyone else but makes perfect sense to you.

Anyway, I finally arrived home a few days later. I promise you I have never been happier than THAT day.

Being ignored and forgotten was the scariest time of my life.

And sometimes, I still feel like that. And it scares the bejeebies out of me.

2009-01-18T20:49:00.002-06:00

I'm about to start the adventure of a lifetime....

hand crafting all my valentines.

You may think that this is a joke. what sort of adventure is that? Doesn't sound too hard. some glue. some glitter, ba-da-bing.

girlfriend, you are mistaken. This will be a WEEKS long project

anywho, that's neither here nor there. i just felt the need to get that off my chest. its going to be a heavy burden.

Which leaves us with this...

From saying so long OCD, one day at a time

dontcha just want to pinch her little cheeks?!

From saying so long OCD, one day at a time

Crafty McCrafterson

2009-01-13T22:43:00.014-06:00

I made this address book for my boss Ashley...

Feel free to go visit her here to tell

her just how lucky she is to have me.

You think I'm kidding? Just check this out:

Oh wait, that's actually just what my hair

looks like after the children do it for me.

Never mind.

I just wanted to add that in there for

comedic timing.

Catch ya on the flip side ;)

wordless wednesday

2009-01-07T22:10:00.002-06:00

I wanna a hippopotamus for Christmas...

2009-01-04T19:18:00.008-06:00

This is my baby cousin Kenna. She really likes my Chauncey.

Sometimes, too much. Like this one time when she drug him kicking and screaming by his neck.

Or this time, when she suffocated him with love.

Kenna has a strong personality for a little 22

month old. I should probably learn to just

agree with her, but my pride must be in the

way or something. Like this one time when

Kenna and I got into an interesting debate

about her strawberry juice box, which she

insisted was apple flavored. Say it ain't so

Kenna, say it ain't so!

(special appearance by little sister)

PS. For all those who inquire, we did get Kenna her own Chauncey! She's named it Lelly, after me of course :)

Who is this Precious Punk?

2009-01-01T22:42:00.008-06:00

From saying so long OCD, one day at a time

Oh, just my favorite punk in the world.

You see, how can you resist this little face? How can you not wake up bright eyed and bushy tailed, barely getting a wink of shut eye, because you're so darn excited to get your hiney out of bed and get that baby in your arms?

That's right, you're probably looking at your own snotty nose children wondering why they aren't always looking this marvelous. I mean, did you want to see this again?

I thought so.

Don't fret though, because seriously... this is what it's mostly all about:

Being a terror/terrorizing everyone...

and screaming...

taking your anger out on unidentified Baby Einstein products...

and oh the uncontrollable angst of the spit-up queen...

'did you just call me that? We'll just see what I greet you with Monday morning...'

It's just that this is what its worth:

Oh, and this...

Go ahead... lick those lips. This baby is mouth wateringly KEY-UTE! And the little punk is mine all mine, for 5 delicious hours a day. What a frick frackin' blessing.

disaster's in the air

2008-12-29T23:53:00.002-06:00

Its been a while friends.

But I'm here, coming to you with the same heavy burdened heart, only this time, I'm singing a different tune.

Over the past months, I have been continually and faithfully blessed (by none other than Jesus Christ) to lead a life somewhat free from the bondage of OCD. And though my blog is titled ADIOS OCD... that's really unlikely.

I mean, let's just chalk this out okay? OCD isn't curable. It doesn't disappear. It's basically impossible. However, All things are possible through Him. So, in essence, I know that through Him I can say Adios, thinking the negative thoughts against that idea would just be stupid. Hence, the title of this blog.

I think I was taking these past months for granted. Apparently, I should read through my past blogs nightly so that I can remember. But over the holidays, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I don't know if it was the stress, or the too-longly-extended 'vacation', or the combination of 13 people in one house, plus 3 dogs, and the sheer thought of being taken away from my nanny kids and responsibilities for so long... but IT came back again.

You remember IT, right?

The sleepless nights of pondering and worrying about things that don't matter at all. The need to ask incessant questions about random people seen throughout the day. The fears. All of them, slowly creeping their slimy little hands back into my life.

I watched it happen. I pinpointed each movement that IT made. I told my family. Each time something happened to bother me, I shared it. A typical therapy trick I learned. And paid for, in full. $$$$ = therapy.

So this time, I come with a heavy heart to you all. My known and unknown friends. Readers. Supporters. Or random accidentally google-ists.

I ask you simply to join me in prayer. Not just for myself, but for the appreciation and belief of miracles to return to this world. Because they happen, I know they do.

So tonight, or tomorrow, heck while you're even in the restroom (I'm not picky!) please pray. Pray for me. Pray for all people struck with disorders with no earthly cure.

I'm very nervous about each day that comes. I have a life again, and a job, and people who depend on me, and I found happiness again. I am ready and willing to let God take it all away if that's His plan... (again... remember last time?) because each time he continually blesses me with more than I could imagine, even with a disorder. But, the scary anxiety driven thoughts and worries just can't stay. I won't have it. I can't worry about my future because of my present. That just doesn't make sense. I don't want to worry about the fact that I do have OCD, and I feel so selfish about it, that I am too concerned about myself, and my fears to help someone else. That I am too self concerned that having a family at all during my lifespan is just out of the question. How can I care for a family, if I can barely take care of myself? And nonetheless, it isn't rational to expect a big strong man to be completely selfless while i sit on the couch being selfish? That's pretty much never gonna happen. So here I find myself, freaking out because I'm freaking out, and it's like a snowballed domino effect. It's worse than just the domino or the snowball effect... its both... combined. If that's not enough to make you run and hide, I don't know what is!

So pray pray pray.

And as the tears fall on my keyboard, I mutter the words out loud, how lucky I am in so many other aspects, and how grateful I am for you.

Que Paso

2008-12-19T23:20:00.005-06:00

Here's something I'm having a hard time with. What does it mean to 'delight yourselves in the Lord'?

Really, is it different for everyone? Because I feel like it must be. Now I normally figure this verse to mean in every way to thank Him, The Creator, for all he has strung together and given you. To rejoice in Him even during the struggles. And to do all you do in His name.

Now, realistically, we've got to be joking if we think we can lead this kind of perfection life. Don't get me wrong, I totally think we should strive for it, and to be like Jesus, but we are human, and perfection is impossible.

So the next part of the verse... 'and he will give you the desires of your heart...' that's the real stomach turner.

Now first and foremost, we all know that he gives us those desires when they align with His plan, when we are intelligent enough to align our thoughts and hopes with His. That said....

Don't people get the desires of their hearts even when they aren't delighting in the Lord? That's what gets me.

It's like I struggle with the fact that this verse is true. For some reason I've got to find a loophole in it.. but why? Why can't I just delight myself in the Lord... Because sometimes it's gosh darn hard. I want to, and it would be wonderful, but frequently I'm to selfish to think about doing something God's way in order to be rewarded with a future blessed by God Himself.

But I desperately want that future. I want the desires of my heart, and I don't think God gives you a desire that he won't in some way fulfill. I want to give everything to Him, because He gave everything for me.

Skippyjon Jones is a naughty kitty boy

2008-12-19T03:22:00.005-06:00

I'm officially on vacation until January 5. I'm a pretty lucky nanny to get off for that long, but that's what happens when you're awesome. Actually, that's a lie, that's what happens when your work schedule revolves around the school system.

Unfortunately, I'm really uneasy about the break. First of all, what the heck am I going to do? I don't really know how to function when I'm not taking care of other people for a living. Or when I'm not covered in spit up. When my hands won't constantly smell like a mixture of baby powder and graham crackers. When I'm not busy prying the tightest grip imaginable by little hands off of a chunk of my hair. When I'm not talking in a high pitched voice only to realize I'm talking to an adult, not a baby. Ok, well that last one actually happens consistently whether i'm nannying or not, all the other ones do happen during work hours only.

However, I will enjoy my break from:

-having to open the diaper pail, and then trying to not breath for like 2 minutes or otherwise dying from toxicity.

-waking up in the wee hours of the morning just to drop Pancho off at school.

- sitting down on the couch only to hear Zoey scream from her crib 2 seconds later

- Having to tote Diet Coke everywhere I go.

- pacifying two boys who always disagree.

- not hearing the earth shattering sounds of XBOX 360

- not having to listen to conversations about 'how totally freakin' awesome the graphics are on the new Gears of War' blah blah blah

- being asked consistently 'if you had to pick between your car and your phone, which would you pick?'; 'what's your favorite ornament on our tree?'; and 'what's the meanest thing you've ever done?'.... i mean really, who asks these kinds of questions?

- trying to figure out what's making Zoey scream at the top of her lungs.

- telling Zoey I don't believe her fake cry

- Looking up 'LazyTown' biographical information in my spare time... WHO DOES THIS??

- Watching Icelandic kids programs... oh wait.. I actually might miss that seeing as how I devote a majority of my spare time looking up biographical information concerning it.

- Having to sit in two different pick up lines 20 minutes apart and banging my head on the steering wheel.

-Being told that I work for a 12 year old, by that 12 year old.

Along with a list that doesn't even compare to this one of endless things that I will miss. Desperately.

Who really thought of the name Urkel?

2008-12-15T00:46:00.005-06:00

I'm having a problem not being satisfied with my life.

I read blogs, work for people, live around people, and talk to people whose lives I feel I would do anything to have.

I have spent so much of my life chasing boys, waiting for one to pick me, and I don't know why I do it. None of my self-initiated boy missions have ever ended in a significant other for Kelly, and sheer devastation isn't really my feeling of choice... is it?

At the end of the day all I want is to have someone to talk to, someone who is willing to invest in me. Sometimes at the closing of a typical day, I just listen to Praise Baby music even thought there is no baby in the room- does that mean I'm the baby?

All I desire is to feel like I belong in whatever circumstance or place God puts me in. But instead, the only thing I ever do is question it.

God has never let me down, there's been times when I didn't get my version of how I imagined things should be, but never has He left me or forsaken me.

As humans, we tend to not like to admit we're wrong, yet I've run out of combinations of arabic numerals to keep track of how often I've been wrong. For once, I'd just really like to be right.

Even if that just meant predicting I could sleep through a whole night and then actually accomplishing it.

Lord, I just need you to sustain me. To help me persevere. I want to continue to begin, and make it through this upcoming new year fully fulfilled with you, and my life. I trust that you will provide. I trust that you will have delights and surprises in store for me. Being where I am is not a dead end, every day is a fresh start.

I had the best day, with you Today.

2008-12-13T16:20:00.003-06:00

Today my family thought it would be fun to take pictures of our eyes, well really just eye. For some random reason my Dad wasn't involved... and it wasn't because he said he didn't want to be, apparently we just didn't invite him. Shame.

Then for about an hour we talked about exactly what colors our eyes are. It was a really pointless conversation, but it was fun.

I really love my sister, even though sometimes we feel like this:

it always somehow ends up like this:

so today, I am thankful for sisters.

The 12 Days of Christmas Start Today

2008-12-13T02:02:00.002-06:00

Had to take the sleeping pills tonight.

BLEH. WHY

Also, the only thing on television is "The Real Housewives: Atlanta".

When I went to the doctor for my checkup, I told her about how uneasy I still was about changing my medication. So I asked her to really outline WHY I couldn't stay on my anxiety medication, and the nutshell version of what she said is that it is highly addictive, and not commonly prescribed, as long as I see her, I wouldn't have a problem being able to get it, but if I were to change doctor's, they would be weary to give it to me. She also said that the body becomes immune to it, and you have to take higher and higher doses. So that was pretty much all the push I needed to look at myself and say 'Get over it, and trust in God".

I'm now at the lowest dose of that medication, weaning myself off. So in about a week, I won't be taking it anymore. Even though it scares me, and feels like my cozy little security blanket, seriously... God is my Rock.

After I gave Jennifer my Christmas gift to her, she hugged me 3 times, and I was almost in tears. I cannot explain what a blessing it is to have a Doctor that you can talk to, and a Doctor who is a firm believer in the power of Christ. After she went through the comments of 'you didn't have to get me a gift', I told her how much of a blessing that she was and how thankful I was of her. And she ACTUALLY said that my mother and I are blessings in her life. That she always looks forward to seeing us, and learning more about the disorder. She is such a rare little gem, I cannot get enough of her. Thank you Lord.

I wanna thank you, for giving me your eyes.

2008-12-12T03:09:00.005-06:00

Remember how I forgot how to sleep? Well tonight's another one of those nights.

My mom started giving me some natural sleeping pills, and they works well, but I don't like the idea of taking them. So here I am, awake... naturally, and wondering why the heck I am.

Time with the nannying boys has been much to often in the past weeks, so I feel like my 3 week break from them is much needed. I'm looking forward to tomorrow with Zoey, another free day without the grumpy boys and girl time for her and I to play and laugh. Which is exactly what we did today:

Since it snowed last night....

we stayed indoors until it warmed up outside.

I'm semi falling asleep while I write this... I'm going to try to embrace it, and GO TO SLEEP. We'll see...

confrontation is a punishment.

2008-12-07T01:55:00.002-06:00

As many people have told me, the media has been alerted. [in reference to previous post title]

Sorry its taken me so long, I literally feel like i've been running around with my head cut off and i just accidentally tripped over it and was able to screw it back on (for now...)

I've worked all week long, and when I say 'worked' I mean loooonnnnggg days. we're talking 6am-8pm people.

and i seem to have accumulated this sleeping problem that i don't really know how to resolve: i forgot how to do it.

i think it might have a lot to do with my medication switch just not working for me. which is depressing because this is the first time that I haven't been able to conquer a problem involving OCD since almost a year ago, and its really disheartening. Now I have to go in for my two week check up and say that after attempting the next step for the past month and a little bit more, I have to revert back to my old medications. Which would be okay, except for the fact that they aren't long term medications. So now, I'm freaked that I can't live without them, yet I can't live with them because I can't take them for an extended period of time. Which, really I'd like to know why because if the only detrimental side effect is like, growing an extra appendage or something I might be willing to cope.

Also its gonna be weird when I probably cry in the doctors office about this and then give my doctor a Christmas present for all she's done. When I feel like a complete failure. I also don't think it helps that the Cross I'm giving her says 'hope'... then again, maybe I should just take that message to heart and have a little bit more hope when it comes to this.

I know it isn't curable, but I don't like to think about that part. It makes the future sound like an abysmal mess. And that seems to not settle well with me. go figure.

alert the media.

2008-11-24T23:28:00.003-06:00

I'm pretty sure that I am getting ready to make my first B in my college career. Which wouldn't mean anything if this was like semester 1 of my college career, but alas it's semester 4 (ish) sort of 5. So only for the next few days can I continue to say that I have a 4.0. I think that this may be taken away from me because of pride issues? just a guess, considering i'm devoting a blog to the sudden downfall of my academic career.

It could be because I now have several responsibilities to attend to other than just being a student (unlike my other college semesters). Now I juggle three kids, driving to and from, picking up and dropping off at school, homework help in a variety of subjects, doctor's appointments, therapy, and medication, all while taking distance courses which mean at the end of the day, I have to muster up energy on my own to do my work/study/read/care at all.

However, I'm beginning to embrace the 'B'. Mostly because now, regardless of whether I make a 14 or a 100 on the final exam, I will get a B. To which, to my Mother's chagrin, I retorted, well at least I don't have to really care anymore. She urgently responded with 'Yes, It still matters!' And I said 'a B is a B, whether an 89 or an 80'

and isn't that the truth!? For all things life gives us.

Christmas is All Around Us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-11-18T07:32:00.005-06:00

EDIT: I wanted everyone to know, that Paco and I have now already watched SpongeBob and are now watching that weird teenage robot show. I don't understand it.

I woke Paco up by jumping on the bed. Is that allowed, when he is sleeping in his parents bed, I'm not sure. If it wasn't allowed, would I still do that? :)

Then he literally RAN to the couch in the family room and hibernated under a huge blanket, to which i added more blankets on top to escape from the cold. Then he requested hot chocolate. So me, the beloved nanny that I am, made him some hot choco.

But here is the best part, I thought today would be tough, but when I walked into Pancho and Paco's house........

That's right, Christmas greeted me! EVERYWHERE! the tree is up, wreaths and garland hanging from the stairs, nutcrackers, and HUGE WREATHS on the doors! How could this day not be good now?

Jon and Kate are my friends.

2008-11-17T21:24:00.002-06:00

I thought having two jobs and writing a paper was tough, but I think this week will top the charts.

First of all, I come to so many people's rescue. They should really make some sort of award for me or something because Pancho has to go to the medical center in the morning, and Paco doesn't want to go, so guess who gets to go wake Pac up at 7AM and watch SpongeBob with him, and then take him to school?

Then I have Bible Study Nanning tomorrow morning, then lunch with a friend (who will probably give birth any moment now) plus Zoey.

Then I'm going to try to get to the mall to get my sister's Christmas gift with Zoey in tow.

Then back to feed Zoey and put her down for a nap.

All the while tending to my baby ear.

I'm watching the new TLC show 'twins, twins, and sextuplets' and I'm sorta freaking out. It doesn't make me feel happy like Jon and Kate do. I really think Jon and Kate's little ones are cute, and that's why we all think their life is okay. These people's life is psycho. I don't want to watch it anymore. It hurts my eyes. I'm going to have nightmares about multiple children now. Especially since every time I get a new medication I have super vivid dreams for the first month or so.

Gloria, Glory in the Highest.

2008-11-14T23:24:00.003-06:00

I really am such a limited creature. Yet treasured over all creation, isn't that strange? God is cool like that.

My sister and I decided to do a sister thing and get our cartilage's pierced together. so we did, in celebration of life together.

then, apparently it did something strange to me.

it made me think i was cool.

whenever i get into this i'm cool state, it's just scary.

at dinner with my family i kept saying 'people are going to see this and think i'm like, a partier or something... isn't that cool?' 'i feel so cool'. 'look how cool i am' 'maybe i will get a boyfriend now'.

but my favorite part is when the cool crashes and burns, and the revelation that i am SO NOT cool comes blaring back out.

it always happens after I say I have now entered the stage where I am cool enough to have a boyfriend. Then I freak out that I am like 80 years old (hyperbole) and am alone, and that I should put kitty chow on the top of my Christmas list so I can go ahead and stock up on all the cat food that I'm going to need for the rest of my life, and how sad it will be that my sister can't come visit me because of her deathly allergy to cats.

Anyways, today's uncool realization came when I started pointing out people at the mall and saying 'are you my husband?' Please imagine every single imaginable incorrect suitor. Those are the people I pointed to and asked my family about. It was a great game. I think I ended up with the phone salesman, or this guy with an afro. I can't remember.

Take all of your so called problems, better put em' in quotations.

2008-11-11T20:44:00.004-06:00

EDIT. to all my commenters. I really appreciate you guys. You have no idea how much I can feel your thoughts and prayers everyday. I know that Jesus Christ uses us as a body to help each other, and this is only one of the many ways he has proven that to me. Thank you for being my arm, or foot, or even eye; whatever part you want to be ;). Also I thought that smiley was clever because it is winking, aka the eye. Now, everyone should want to be the eye.

Today was one of the roughest days thus far. Pretty much, though I'll probably say that until tomorrow comes around.

I awoke later than usual, because Paco and Pancho's Dad told me that he would be taking them to school today. However, what is the first thing my phone alerts me of? That Pancho... Mr. I am always late and forgetful' has left me voicemails regarding that I am supposed to take him to school. Well, guess what buddy. It's too late, school started 20 minutes ago. So, I decided to basically pretend that I didn't get that message and hope that he either found a ride to school, or is basking in the glory of not having to go to school and playing Gears of War whatever all day long.

Then, my mother begins to hound me to call my doctor back. She called to discuss my medicine, but I, with my intense knowledge of all things, knew that the doctor wasn't going to make any real decisions without me in her office, so I was putting off calling back. So what does my mother do? Oh, call the doctor for me and then say she is going to hand the phone to me. It's like when I was 5 and I had to call someone to say thank you for the ridiculous knitted play thing.

Moral of that story, I am always right.

Then I went to Tuesday bible study to nanny. All things went well when Ashley and I chatted with N's mother. Then the 2 1/2 hour study time inched its way along with N hitting Zoey only twice. This is how following conversation goes:

"N, did you just hit Zoey"

"YES!!"

"We do not hit Zoey, or anyone really"

"YES!!"

"Yes what? No, N do we hit people?"

"YES!!!!"

Good heavens.

So then I go to pick up Paco from school with Zoey in tow. It's rainy day dismissal, also known as wait 30 extra minutes for your child to be escorted by a teacher and an umbrella to your car when it's sprinkling outside. Maybe it's just the skeptic in me?

Then he gets in the car and I ask him about picking up in the morning, and he basically gets mad at me and tells me that I am in trouble? I don't know where this came from, then he called his Mom to ask her, (this is the second time today that the invention of the phone is being glared at by me) and she says that it was a misunderstanding and not my fault.

Then we pick Pancho up and the boys are just being boys. They don't really care what I tell them to do, and every time i talk to them, its like talking to a brick wall. Then they throw their stuff on the ground and ask me to help them with their homework. Then proceed to get it out and look at me and say 'actually, it's not that hard, could you just do it for me?' UM. NO.

So now they are whispering to each other that I am obviously "pissed off". direct quote. And I just didn't know how to take that, so I pretended it didn't exist (this is twice today) and just played with Zoey.

Then I made a homemade pizza and salad for them, and they decided to scrutinize every aspect of it. By now, I'm basically humming to myself while leafing through my people magazine. And then, time was up, I got to come home. To a weird smell of cajun rice weirdness.

So now, I'm ranting. Rant over.

On the plus side, God was in control of today no matter how frantic or disheveled or even plain mad I got. Sometimes I wish I could control my thoughts better and face the problem head on, but most of the time I end up acting like a 3 year old. Also, I need to be finishing up my research paper, but pretty much everything sounds better than that right now. Even flossing.

give me one pure and holy passion

2008-11-05T21:32:00.007-06:00

"I came back to my hometown almost a year ago in a totally devastated state of mind. I felt like complete failure, and I came to try to overcome my OCD. The entire first months here were a total roller coaster- one that I wouldn't trade for the world though. I spent most of my time in doctor's offices, in psychotherapy, in family therapy, and cognitive therapy- but most of all praying. I loved college and all of my friends- but I had to come home and that was, and is, hard to deal with. From January until April, I was completely depressed with what I felt God had dealt me. However, I was blessed with more than I could ever imagine- my doctors were great- and the most influential was a strong and powerful Christian, she encouraged me in all aspects of my life. Then in April, I finally got in to see my cognitive therapist, and my life changed. I had motivation, encouragement, and direction. Opportunities started flying at me right and left for normality, with a pace I could finally handle. In July, I was blessed with obtaining my two nannying jobs; Zoey and the boys. Even with all of the energy that they make me muster up daily, it is all such a breath of fresh air. When I'm with them, I feel like myself. I felt there was no reason why God brought me back here, but I wouldn't have it any other way now. "

I found most of that in a journal entry I wrote about a month or two ago. And you know what, it's so true. Every now and then God smacks me on the head with a realization that I seemed to have forgotten. He is mighty, He is here, and He loves me.

One promise that I made to myself when I started this blog, was that I was going to be completely real. There would be no sugar coating to this life. But when I say that I am devastated that I have no sense of companionship or friendship here, I feel like a whiney baby. I feel like I'm sitting at God's feet and looking at Him and saying 'You know God, you are really great and all, and you helped me through a time when I thought I was literally going to die, but you just can't ever pull through all the way for me'. Ungrateful much?

I can't lie to God though. He knows even my innermost thoughts. When I can't put into words what it feels like to not be surrounded by others even remotely your age, God understands. My babble makes sense to Him, and that's enough to be thankful for right there.

I've had a lot of opportunities to meet people since I've been here, and you know what, I can literally tell you that I took that challenge right on. I've talked to more strangers over this past year than I have in my entire life combined. Talking to strangers was what even led me to get the opportunity to go on vacation this past weekend.

In my small human brain, I assumed that getting out there and meeting people and making friends was what God wanted me to do. Was His plan for me for now. So when the opportunity for this weekend arose, it was like I almost felt triumphant in conquering the quest for friendship. However, as recent events have panned out, that wasn't really the case. Don't get me wrong, I praise Jesus for the fact that I was even able to make it through the weekend, or even to go at all; but his desire for me to befriend new friends in order to nestle in to my new life, might not have been what he was trying to show me.

Mostly because they basically told me that they didn't want to be my friend anymore. Now, I know, we all just had flashbacks to 6th grade at the lunch table, but really... that's what went down. And as I sit here, looking at myself in the mirror, I wonder why they seem to think that friendships aren't important? That they aren't trying to serve and love others as Christ serves us. That they don't feel the calling to lead by example with our earthly friendships and work together to show the world what Christian love and life is all about. But you know what, when I look in the mirror, all I really see is selfish hurt; because you know.... it's one thing to be broken up with and to be told a relationship just won't work... but to be told a friendship won't work? That's rejection at it's finest.

So here's what I'm hearing God say to me now, and with further reading of my Bible I'm hoping to come to a fast conclusion. But what he really did was wake me up with a phone call from a friend in college right now. The perfect phone call at the perfect time from the right person. And it was like a lightbulb went off. Here I am, complaining that I don't have any friends and pouting for God to bring me someone to paint my toenails with, and what sort of example have I been to the friends that I already have... even though the distance is great? I don't think my attitude towards them is really even on the Jesus-like chart at all. So here's the new deal: make time for my current friends. Show them that love and friendship knows no boundaries. And continue to pray for God to fill the void I seem to be obsessing over.

[This picture was taken during the weekend, and it means a lot to me because I remember exactly how I felt when it was taken. I felt alive and I had passion for people. I'll just be shifting this focus to people God has already brought me]

forgot the two pictures i took this weekend.

2008-11-04T00:08:00.004-06:00

all things work together for his good

2008-11-03T19:16:00.002-06:00

"you cannot discover new oceans unless you have the courage to lose sight of the shore"

that's the motto of this past weekend. i really jumped out of my comfort zone and did something i would never really do, OCD or not. I went to south padre island, with people I had only met one time. It was four of us, and it was the greatest vacation ever. And my first vacation sans family.

most of my time was spent in God's word, talking, and being seriously amazed at the ocean God created. I am so thankful for this answer to prayer. A weekend with new friends, a long drive, and time away.

unfortunately, there was a catch to the weekend. Isn't there always? one of the boys had decided that i liked him. did i ever give him any indication of that? no. so he mostly ignored me. it really hurt me. because maybe it was just my OCD, but i was convinced that he thinks i'm annoying or obnoxious, or just plain not worth his time in being friends. and its heartbreaking. especially when i am under the assumption that God handpicked that trip for me to make new friends, and i already feel like i'm being ousted by one of them?

raindrops keep POUNDING on my head.

2008-10-27T19:07:00.002-05:00

So, for the past two weeks, my doctor has brought me down on my anxiety medication. it's a medication that she added to the mix along with my general OCD meds when I started cognitive therapy. And I didn't realize how much I loved it until this week.

The antianxiety medication has a really long half life, so its effects take longer to sink in then my OCD medication, which means they take longer to wear off too. So this week, week 2 of the undertaking, has been killer. I've had problems controlling my thoughts, but still have a good grasp on my actions. Which is good, and mostly what my OCD medication does anyway. And from what I've written down, my thought problems only occur when my anxiety is high, or when something stressful happens, or of course.... when I get sick. The ultimate OCD nightmare. Germs.

So, I've been trying to deal with all the stressors of coming down on the medicine, because I know I can do it. I am not captive to this illness, and the answer is not found in medication anyways, its found in Jesus. But its difficult to do when I give so much everyday to what I can possibly do. Call me OCD, but I never do things halfway. So with my schoolwork and my nanny jobs, I try to do the ultimate in everything. It's not for praise or for more self esteem, its just my nature. I want to cater to people, and I like it.

But catering and healing are hard to juggle. Along with feeling like a loner too. I don't have many friends here at all, and when I say friends I don't mean countable friends. Countable friends are family members, work employees, bosses, and etc. So after you take out everyone in my life, that generally leaves me with no one, because believe it or not, my therapist really doesn't want to hang out with me? I know, shocking.

So, I'm just tired and being a whiny pants.

And yesterday some roofing company called my cellular for a follow up to an inquiry that I had made, which of course I hadn't really made. Their response to that I hadn't asked for any information lead them to ask me,

"Well, was it maybe your husband?"

Me: "No, I don't have a husband. I am not married"

Them: "Oh, you don't? I am really sorry."

Me: "Thank you" (? maybe?)

Them: "And thank you for your time."

swing swing swing swing.

2008-10-21T19:19:00.007-05:00

dear internets,

i apologize in advance for the fact that this video is sideways. forgive me, i did not know what i was doing. this sort of thing is a pet peeve of mine, but the video is too cute to not post. thank you.

Today, Zoey and N and I actually had a pretty productive day. After N's normal meltdown, I just pretty much ignored him. He kept saying Momma, and normally I answer politely something about that she isn't here right now, but this time; I tried the ignoring route. It wasn't too bad. Then I tried to involve him in the plans. Asking him to help me find Zoey's room. Asking him to help me find Zoey's shoes... etc. Then we left for our walk early. Normally I try to hold out for the walk until after about an hour or so, but this time we booked it early. I had plans to go to the neighborhood park. And we did. N had a great time with all the slides. And Zoey swung for the first time! She was precious. But the journey was longer than I bargained for, and I was COVERED in sweat the entire time. During our play time because of me pushing two kids in a stroller is hard hard work. Then pushing swings. Then pushing the stroller back home while trying to pacify children by singing songs. I'm sure I appeared crazy to anyone who came across us. I even got to chat with a Mom who was at the park with her kids. She was super sweet, so I am hoping that I will get to see that precious little family again at the park!

it's just too good to be true.

2008-10-19T21:07:00.002-05:00

So, the beginning stages of sickness is starting to hit me. lame.

This weekend, was really enjoyable. I normally don't really like the weekends, because they are not scheduled, and I normally just do a bunch of homework, and feel bored. The weekends are the times that I miss my friends from school.

This weekend I went to my alma mater's football game, and sat with family friends. I had a lot of fun watching the game, and being intense about it, because I am always intense about football, and seeing old friends. There was a little girl in front of us who came at about the 4th quarter, and my Mom kept talking to her, and playing with her. At first, I thought it was a little creepy. That my Mom was talking to this random girl and she was even sitting in my Mom's lap at one point. But then, on the way home, I thought about how fun my Mom seemed to that youngster. And how hopefully, one day, my kids will think that too. And that will really be a treasure. To have a youthful grandmother, who is really fun. Both my grandmothers were very subdued, so I can't really imagine what it would be like to have my mother as a grandmother.

On Saturday I got to babysit EmBro, my favorites. Em and I even saw Cynthia at the ballpark which was such a great surprise! She and her boys (including husband) were there, and we got to talk to them for a while. Em even had Cynthia read her essay for class and grade it, since Cyn was my 6th grade English teacher, we felt it only proper. And of course, she responded with the declaration that Em is a genius, because I taught her all I know.

Last night, while babysitting, my throat started to really ache. I decided it was just from screaming at the football game, and then cheering little leaguer on that night, so I had some herbal tea, and hoped it would get better. By the time I got home at 2 AM, better was not in my vocabulary. I misted some lavender pillow spray, and went to bed. Then at church, I was feeling miserable. And thinking about the homework that I still had yet to do. As soon as church was over, I crawled into my bed, strapped on my sleeping mask, misted some more lavender, drew the curtains, and lit a eucalyptus candle. I've been taking medicine steadily, and my Mom brought some fruit home for me to eat. Being sick is such a drag. Losing your appetite is annoying, and this painful sinus headache is about to encourage me to throw something out the window. Tonight's agenda is: Take a lavender bath, by candle light. I read that if you encourage your brain to shut down earlier, by turning off the lights, that you sleep better and longer. So, after that, putting some E oil on all my mosquito bite scars, and slipping into bed with a relaxation CD.

I'm a nanny, which is basically a Mom. And Mom's don't get sick! This should not be happening.